Learning Lessons from a Tragedy

I should mention in advance that the inspiration for this post came when I was reading Letters from a Stoic by Seneca, Letter LXIII. Here, Seneca councils Lucullus on how to deal with and learn from the recent death of his close friend, Flaccus. 



The most important reason that I cherry picked this topic amongst many others is that because it deeply resonated with my personal familial loss, not too long ago. So forgive me if I come off as a tad passionate in my wordings, as I really know what I’m talking about.

While reading this letter multiple times, I couldn't stop the constant head nodding as I concurred with every golden word .What also struck me was how prudent and insightful the tips from Seneca were. After the completion, I had a whole new less-dreary understanding of death and appreciation of life and people around me. I hope you feel the same way after reading this post

.

So, without further a due, I’ll present five of the most poignant and pivotal lessons one can learn from a personal tragedy:

1). It’s OK to Cry! … For a while:

If  Spock can cry, Why can't ya ?

The modern stoic definition and embodiment will have you believe that a poker-faced, laconic marine who wouldn’t shed a tear at his mother’s funeral and doesn’t crack up under extreme terrorist interrogations. This is pure Bullshit! They couldn’t have it misconstrued or twisted its essence anymore, making Seneca and Marcus turn in their graves (that’s how I feel). According to Seneca, its O.K to cry! in limit.

                  “We can be pardoned for having given away tears so long as the have not run down in excessive quantities and we have checked them for us" 

                                                  - Seneca , letters from a stoic ( Letter LXIII)

So, if you’re a stoic and are struck by an unexpected tragedy, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you cry. Why? Because it is a cathartic and a natural emotional release mechanism that regulates your mental stability. It helps you be sane! However, Seneca states that one should not turn it into a weep-a-thon or a sob-a-fest (Tears yes, but there should be no lamentation). 

Where do you draw the line?  First understand that crying is to let you know consciously and accept the tragedy that occurred, it is the buffer time for healthy recuperation. But, when this turns into an ostentatious showdown where we are trying to find a means to parade and proving your loss …to others, that’s when ya know ya gotta stop!

2). Don’t Dwell on it… Be in the Moment:

An unexpected personal tragedy leaves deep mental scars that take time to heal. If you’ve been there you’ll know that, for days on end your mind tends to play the movie of the tragedy, sometimes its self-induced to trigger self loathing and the incessant crying. The mind obsesses over the scenarios, possibilities and alternatives that could have happened, but didn’t and them you blame it on your bad luck for this horrible tragedy.

 This is often made worse by the morose people around us, who come to offer their sympathy and add their two cents on how I should be strong and keep on going. At that time, you’re in such a daze that no words or actions can reach your core.

There are times when your mind starts to recover a bit and becomes present but the environment and people around remind you of tragedy that happened and its back to square one! I can go on and on about this travesty, especially in the Indian perspective, but let me offer the solution now.

Seneca says that if one is really in the moment, it is not possible for him to experience this tragedy constantly: “At any moment something or the other will happen that will turn that long face of yours into a smiling one”. 

 

While this rarely may be the case in most horrible tragedies where one’s mind becomes the worst enemy of recovery, constantly re-playing the movie  and evoking despair. However, I can see some substance in his statement as even during my tragedy there were moments where I was more present than I can ever remember.

I also had some lighter moments with my friends during that time, although it’s dictated by the society to be and act in a certain way during a tragedy, you don’t have to follow the norms as they are not there for your well-being. I took a long time to get my shit together, still a work in progress, but I can solemnly vouch for one thing, that the remote control of the tragedy is on your hands. So if you want to feel down, you can recall those memories and begin crying rivers or you can pipe down and continue with your life.

3). Ya know you like it!:

This point is a little too twisted and controversial to be expounded, but I’ll go ahead anyways.

We as humans, only do things we like to do. But what about grieving and lamenting? Yes...That too! The act of self-loathing, crying and grieving beyond certain limits gives us a warm sadistic pleasure; it makes us feel cozily-secure, gives us the much craved attention and care from other humans and evokes self-pity that we like to wallow in. This behavior is deep-rooted in human psyche since infancy and something we all are guilty of indulging in.

Seneca’s teacher Attalus said that Recalling those who are gone are pleasant, but not with a touch of sourness. Who would deny that acidic things with harshness also stimulate our palate? During the funeral of a close family member, I noticed to my astonishment some of the rawest and most pretentious human behavior. 

The distant relatives and people who scarcely knew the deceased entered the room wailing the loudest and moving dramatically appearing as if shaken by his death and when I saw them a few minutes later, they were busy gossiping amongst each other, seeing me they put their sad face On! So much for double standards.

They didn’t care about the death at all, but acted in a way that their heart had been ripped from their chest! I was enraged and flabbergasted to see the hypocrisy of the society that came to the funeral; people were talking on their mobiles in front of the corpse and couldn’t wait for the food to be served so they can fill their stomachs and leave the house. I was too traumatized by the tragedy to muster energy expose their façade.

4). Shit Happens! :

The one thing that has been true all along, that we never know what, how or when a tragedy will befall upon us. We can expect tragedy anytime, anyway and anyhow. So, the best strategy is to be prepared for it by accepting that we do not have control over it. 

The other thing that we can do is be grateful to our lucky stars for the things, the people and the ‘luck’ we do have, as it can clearly could have been much worse. So, after knowing and accepting these two things we should make the most of the time we have left and since we don’t even know that for sure, the only safe bet is this moment, the NOW! Make the most of NOW.

Seneca says “Let us make more friends, since no one can tell how long we shall have this opportunity”. Right on, my man! He says further: “You have buried the someone you loved, Now look for someone else to love, as it is better to make good on the loss of a friend than crying over it!”

In my opinion, a major thing that got me over my tragedy was the fact that I had other people to love and support me. I treasure them every day and am grateful for the life I am blessed with. Until my last breath one should feel lucky to have been born as a human and the miracles that he has gone through to exist.

“So let us bear in mind that those we are fond of are just as liable to death as we are ourselves, whatever can happened at any time can happen today”

Hence, when that day comes for us or our beloved to move on, instead of moping and whining selfishly about how we are hurt by it, treasure the times and the lessons you had learnt from him while being grateful for the miraculous life you have lived thus far.

5). What don’t kill ya, Makes ya Stronger:

There is some substance behind this clichéd Nietzche quote, which says that tragedies and 
obstacles is what, toughens up a man’s resolve to continue on his quest of life. Tragedies are without a doubt horrible and painful to endure, but they can also be used to propel one towards achieving his goals/objectives with a renewed vigor and steely resilience. 

This is often called ‘Resistance’ something that offers hinders or impedes our growth, but rising above it will provide greater power (see: bodybuilding). The way to do it is: Perception. Perception is believing that this tragedy will make you grow as a person and make you tougher, and soon enough this will be your reality. Believing otherwise shall give congruent results.

Seneca teaches: Who will ever be granted the strength of character, unless he be a man already lifted far out of fortune’s reach? ….. Damn Straight, Senny Boy!

So, in conclusion tragedies are devastating for sure, but you still have massive control whether to treat it as a stumbling block or a stepping stone.

Peace.Presence.Joy.